NorMal... really...

People love to use words, they don’t really understand. Some phrase is catchy so we all use it, it’s cool. In the circle of people with special needs, you will find this a popular sentence. 

“He is not normal."

"Normal children would do this."

"She is different, cause normal children her age would not scream like that.” 

People and some professionals are so quick to state that your child is not normal.

So what does normal, mean? The norm describes the average statistic. And that itself is a variable.  In a room full of people who have autism, individuals with autism would be the norm. And you may be the weirdo, right. So keep in mind that the term norm, is very subjective. Be wise about using it.

Breaking news

I just had a lunch date with my sister and her little boy. They are in the preparation of sending their soon-to-be eightheenth month old to school. It's an exciting journey for both parents and child. It made me start thinking about preshcool for the unborn baby, already. I know its way to early to be thinking about such things. But having been in the childcare senario almost all my working life, I do recall when my boys were send off. This story is more for my boy with special needs. It goes something like this...

The phone rings, and you take a deep breathe... could it be another call for your child? Are you afraid of such calls when teachers call you to inform you about the outburst in school, or the meltdown of your child.

These are normally the beginning stages for some parents, before they are thrust into the tornado called autism. But I must say, I don't remember ever getting such a call for Ivan.

When Ivan was eighteen months old, I enrolled him into a Childcare.(just like his elder brother) I worked for the same management, but was in another branch. I would check with my colleagues about Ivan's progress. They didn't say much as they thought he was going through his anxiety phase.

But the updates that I got from the teachers, they were not much to work on. The teachers mentioned that he didn't like transitions. When the class left for the playground, Ivan would cry to leave the class. Then when they finally got him there, returning back to class was another fiasco. These reports however, could also be similar to a child who is getting used to the new routines in the school, something in the range of separation anxiety.

After a month, when most of the children had settled, Ivan was still fussy and anxious. He would cry then drink milk and fall asleep. My boss was doing her Degree at that time and noticed something peculiar about Ivan's behaviour. She realized that there were some traits if autism in Ivan.

She called me up, and asked me up come down after work. I did and I must admit I was thrown off by what she said.

She very cautiously, addressed the behaviour issues she noticed and then introduced the word, autism. By then my head was spinning. What? Who? How? Huh?

But being an educator myself, also because this information was coming from someone I respected, I remained calm. My husband on the other hand didn't take the news too well.

We were on two ends of the equation. We were lost and confused. We were both in no shape to help our little boy. We went through lots of disagreements and decided to wait on the matter eventually.


Somewhere around a year later, I told Peter, that something had to be done. We could not just sit around waiting, thinking that our boys was simply a late bloomer. I handed him the autism checklist and told him to check it by himself. Should he find many similarities, then he was to move in my direction. 


He did the checklist and there was no denying. There was something amiss. It was time me got some form of help. And so the journey began.

Are you NORMAL?

Many atimes, I have heard this "He is not normal." Okay, now be really honest... what is normal?
Two eyes, a nose and a mouth?
Is being skinny normal?
Is having all your limbs normal?
What is NORMAL?
Who defines the norm?

My child spoke in sentences when he was five, so what is the norm? Years ago, he would have been termed a late bloomer, but today there is an abundant variety of labels to choose from. As we head into the new millennium, everything has new guidelines.

When I went to primary one, we were taught the words 'boy' and 'girl'. Today, preschoolers can write five sentence compositions, even before entering primary one. I repeat again, what is the norm?


I guess, the hardest part of it all, is that some kids barely have a shot at life. They are labeled even before life begins. Who is to say that you cannot change? Even IQ tests, that are done, are not one hundred percent accurate. Furthermore, they are only valid for six months. Everything changes as we grow, maturity increased, causing improvement in many areas.

Schools are quick to trust the IQ test results (that is only valid for six months) to transfer a child out of mainstream. Who is to say that with a better support system, the child will not excel? How will you ever know? Your child has been deprived the right to try to live his/her life.

I was told, that a child who is diagnosed with autism, is not allowed to drive. But a heart patient is!?!
A heart patient could get an attack any moment, and lose the control of the wheel. (God forbid). The individual with autism, would be much more careful, as he/she would follow the rules and expectations earnestly. Or what about a "normal" person who is drunk? Is he/she then, no longer normal?

Ponder about the word "NORMAL". What does it mean to you?

Is she persistent or simply irritating?

Well, I am pretty sure many professionals contemplated with that question when it comes to me. I have met some mothers who trust in the system, and believe that since they are paying for the service, they don't have to do any thing more, but trust. When Ivan was schooled at ****, I used to sit and wait at the lobby for his lesson to be over. There I would meet some other mums who do likewise. We get to talking and they find that, they want so much more for their chidlren, but don't know where to start.Yes, we should trust the professionals, but aren't we the client. Should we not know what we want. If you go to a restaurant and place and order for a steak, but get lamb chops instead. Would you simply say that it's okay?

Why then, should you in any way compromise for your child? In schools, we are advised that parents should not sit in the sessions, as the chidlren may get too anxious, in our presence and fail to participate. Fair enough, but they never stated that parents were not allowed at the premises. The concern was for the child's benefit.

No parent would want to upset their children, but that are ways to get things done. Have a rapport with your child's teacher/ therapists. Establish gracious communication between the two of you. This was you both can optimize your effort as  work together, to help the child. I had informed my son's teacher, that I would like to observe my boy occasionally, to see his reactions. She understood my concerns and she positioned my boy with his back facing the door, as she taught. This arrangement allowed me to glance into the classroom through the glass window on the door. I never entered the classroom. The teacher had no problem, as I was not being an obstacle to her teaching. This way, I could also gauge how comfortable my son was, with the teacher. Body language tells a lot, my dear.

The other mums always asked me why I had special permission to go up to the classes, and why I did so. I didn't have any privileges they didn't, I just spoke my concerns and arranged it such. As for why I did, so, I did it to ensure my boy was in good hands. I was blessed to know that Ivan had a good teacher.

When Ivan started, he was simply doing table task in the classroom. The teacher felt that he needed to be comfortable enough to trust her, before they had activities outside the classroom. Some time went by and Ivan was included into the school assemble period. Where he would assemble with the rest of the school, to fulfill his patriotic duty of singing the National Anthem and the Pledge taking. His teacher and I would watch him with pride, as he stood through this.

Then one of the parents asked me, what arrangements I did for Ivan to be at assembly. She wondered, as her boy had been there six months prior to Ivan and was still not given that opportunity of inclusion. Her son was older, and was not a very violent boy either. He should have been given an opportunity to try this out.

I enlightened her, that this was totally, Ivan's teachers doing, not mine. So I advised the parent to check with her boy's teacher. The next day, the parent shocked me with her teacher's respond. "Your boy is not at assemble, cos it's not like he was going to learn anything, right?". The mum was hurt, and was heart-broken when she shared this remark with me.

I was furious, how could the teacher say that. Even if he wasn't going to learn anything, according to her, shouldn't he at least try it out? It wasn't like they were going to lose anything. I told the mum that she should stand up for her boy. There are so many things her boy could benefit, with this inclusion. I shared with her on the benefits of inclusion with the group. Then I equipped her with some child development jargon to use, when she met the teacher again.

The teacher got defensive, when the mum approached her (with a better understanding she now has), that he son should have this opportunity to be included at assembly. Seeming that she was showing concern, and using the jargon she used. The teacher agreed to include the boy into assembly.

That boy would have missed so many opportunities, should the his parents just accepted what the teachers said. Sometimes, the teachers may be busy, or they could have become complacent doing the same job for years. But children should never be at the losing end for what ever the reason. I was marked as the mum who was making waves, and soon became infamous, there. But I had no problems with my son's teacher and didn't bother about it.

It's all about advocating for your child. In order to do that, you first have to equip yourself, with as much information as you can, regarding your child's diagnosis. Talk to people and read up. Be polite when you approach professionals, your humidity can go a long way for your child. Be persistent, but sometimes, it may seem that you are a nuisance. I didn't mind the names, so long my son benefited. 

When I was trying to get Ivan into a school once, they told me to call back in a week's time to check for vacancies. I did and did so every week. I know they hated it. But it paid of after a couple of months. When I called, the supervisor told me, that they had just received a letter of withdrawal and was about to find a child to replace the withdrawal. My call helped my son get that place. But please be as polite as possible, when you want to be persistent. The teachers do know that with limited resources, we are all waiting for our turn. But we don't want them to deliberately miss our child, as we had been rude to them, over the hundreds of calls made.

So if you are a parent who is new to this, keep these pointers in mind.

• Always liase with the teachers, which ever way suits you both (communication books, emails, smses)
• Check on your child when you can without disturbing the class (only if your child is having a one to one session)
• Be polite to the professionals, they are helping your child
• Ask questions and give them some time to get back to you, gentle reminders should they forget
• It would not hurt to encourage them with gifts/ thank you cards (wink you know what I mean)

When you advocate for your child, you widen the horizon for his/her future, open doors of opportunities for them, challenge the system to improve itself and fight for your child's individuality. They deserve so much more, we give them our best, as we speak for them. And one day when we are no longer, our legacy lives on through them.

Is your boy mute?

Many of us, don't have a trouble holding a conversation with another. I definitely, don't. Since conversing comes, so easily for me, it took me a while to understand, how challenging it was for my boy, with autism.

My family and I frequent a diner, near home, regularly. One night, some time ago, something mind blogging happened. The four of us went in, as usual, ordered our dishes, and continued as usual. What was the usual? Lots of chatting. We would talk about our day, at work, things that were bothering us, decisions we had to make. Peter, Immanuel and I usually used dinner time to catch up on what's new in our lives. And during this time, Ivan would be busy humming, as he flips the pages of his favourite book.

Since Peter brought the boys to the restroom, I called for the bill. While I was signing the credit card slip, the waitress said this. "You have a nice family, but I notice every time you come in, that boy doesn't talk. Is he mute?" I was shocked. Oh my gosh! She must think that we are horrible parents, to ignore the mute child at our table. I explained to her that he was rather shy, and didn't really enjoy conversations.

Later, I shared this with Peter. It was a mind blogging moment. What were we doing? We were focusing on Immanuel, and his stories, trying to be as normal as any family was. But never realized that maybe, Ivan wanted to say something too. But Ivan was always so busy with his books, that he never joined in. Would he actually, want to be part of the conversation? Does, he even like to have a conversation? He never showed much interest for conversations, before.

I felt so bad, and ashamed that a stranger had to call me out on this. But I was glad she did, sometimes, we have to step out, to see the whole picture. Ever since that day, when ever we sit for dinner, even at home, we would try to direct a few simple questions at Ivan. Just to make him feel included in the family conversations.
Simple, questions like, "Do you like your pasta? Is it too spicy? Do you have school tomorrow? Where would you like to go after this?" Ivan is capable enough to answer these questions with ease, so conversing would not be so stressful for him.

For a child to hold a conversation many skills are required. Firstly, he has to be able to attend the information, by listening, which means he has to sit and focus. Then the mind has to process the information, resulting in the comprehension, of what is being said. Then the mind, has to assimilate the information, and produce an answer for what has been said. All these things take much effort and time for a child with autism to process.

Imagine you are talking to someone overseas, with a bad phone connection. You will find that when you talk, there is an echo, then a brief silence and the you hear the other person talking. It's not like a normal conversation you would have, if the person was standing in front of you. The processing of information in a autistic child's mind is similar. There is a lot of stalling, and filtering and processing and then downloading. So you may find that after you ask a question, the child takes about a minute to process and then answers you.

So what must you be aware of, when talking to them?

Ask simple, single domain questions only?
Are you hungry? Then wait.
What would you like to eat? Then wait.


DO NOT ask
Are you hungry? What would you like to eat? Hamburgers? Pizza? 
All these are too much to consolidate in one go.

DO NOT repeat the same question too many times. Ask once then wait, after half a minute, ask the same question again, then wait. If the child understands your question, you should get your answer in by a minute. Don't be quick to repeat yourself, as the child may think that you are asking another questions, and repeat the whole downloading process in his mind. Getting you both no where.

When giving instructions, do so similarly.
"Ivan, take of your shoes." Then wait, allow him to complete the action.
"Ivan place them on the shoe rack." Then wait, allow him to complete the action.
One step instructions are best to start with. In time you will not have to repeat everything. This is because, the child will learn to see the routine, first taking off the shoes, and then placing them on the shoe rack. Thus, the routine will aid the child into what is expected of him. As the child matures, gradually, increase the complexity of the questions asked or instructions given.

It takes time to lay the foundation, but in time you will find it worth the while.

Collectables

In line with the compilations of your child's documentations, here are other couple of things, you may want to add into the collections.

• art work done by your child, inclusive of date/ year
• pictures of Lego construction done by child, inclusive of date/ year
• pictures of your child achieving something special (like his first time using a pair of chopsticks)
• videos of child embarking of a remarkable journey

These collectable will go a long way, if you are a creative mum, you may even go one step further and enter the world of Scrap-booking. I tried it, It's awesome. A note of warning, once your enter the world of scrap-booking, there is no turning back... seriously, it's awesome.

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If you are in Singapore and are interested you may try out two places. Of course, there are other places, but I love the services provided here.

Made with Love

Venue: At Plaza Singapura

http://www.madewithlove.com.sg/

Krafters Paradise

Venue: At City Square Shopping Center

http://krafersparadise.blogspot.com/

Advocating for your child

It is a difficult time, for anyone, when autism strikes. You are overwhelmed, emotionally unstable and could possibly be physically weak. You have to move fast for your child's sake. Time is off the essence. You have to consider the micro and the macro all at the same time. As if you don't have enough on your plate, you also have to deal with the child who is affected and your family members, who are adjusting too.

You find yourself, drawn in all directions. I don't know about you, but I secretly wished that I could just disappear into another place like this...

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and Peter has promised me that someday, we will have a wonderful romantic vacation like this... someday.

Well, until that day comes, I still have to run the race with autism, chasing me. So advocating for your child, right. Who are the people you will encounter? There are the whole list of pediatricians, therapists, psychologists and the hundreds of medical professionals that come along the waiting time. Here in Singapore, I would like to think that the professionals, know what they are doing, due to the tight ship ran in the hospitals. (or so I hope)

I never had to trust the doctors for much actually, the only two times I was admitted at the hospital, was to have my babies. So I guess I never thought much, about how much I should trust them. I would say that my generation, was thought to respect authority, and most of us still do until today. My mind set changed, when my mummy instincts overpowered my reasoning. (when it came time for me to advocate for Ivan)

Upon the umpteen check ups I brought Ivan too, I came to realize one common denominator. That was the uncertainty, the medical professionals shared. None of them could commit to a certain diagnosis. Later, I came to realize that since Ivan was below the age of three, the professionals would not diagnosis him. They fear a misdiagnosis due to the age. On the medical point of view, they were being cautious. But how was this helping my boy or me? We were lost? Not knowing what to make out of all the 'Maybe's and 'It could be's.

It was a wild goose chase and I was exhausted and frustrated, was pretty sure Ivan was too. So in order not to go on a wild goose chase, here are a few pointers I would like to share with you. Hope it helps.

• Prepare a file

Ivan has a huge green file, that I have dedicated specially for him. It is an ever growing file. Every bit of documentation I have for him is in that file. And I mean everything, medical appointments, art classes certificates, dental appointments, school registration form, etc. Crazy you may think, but if you are a working mum, with more than one child, you are not going to remember every detail when asked. You may want to draw a time line to prepare yourself for questions at the therapist's. Further more, you will find yourself filling in a tremendous amount of forms, as the years go by. You won't be able to remember all the years, which milestone took place in. So trust me, even if you think its a bother, this is guranteed to make your life a little easier.

• Know what you want for your child

Every child is unique, they are special in their own way, with autism or otherwise. As parents, we know our children better than anyone else in the world. Thus, be practical, we all want to believe the best in our kids. But sometimes, understand that it's hard for them too. I would like to see Ivan as normal as possible, but at one time he could not even drink from a straw. I had to come down to his level to see what was more important for his success. One thing we have to keep in mind, is to enable our children to experience success in which ever little way they can. This feeling of success will empower them from within, getting them to feel good about themselves. That's what we want for them. Know your child, know his/her struggles and set goals they can achieve.

• Be realistic in your expectations from both your child/ therapist

Be realistic with achievable goals, they are not only for your child but for the therapist too. Don't expect miracles in a session. The first session is normally redundant, as it's not going to go any further than the introduction. I know of some professionals, who don't charge for the first session, as it's merely a warm up session. Some children, take more than one session to warm up. So again know your child. The therapists, would know certain techniques, that you don't, but even still, they cannot get your child to do what he/she doesn't want to. Give it time, reasonable time. Sit in when ever you can to observe the sessions. Gauge for yourself.

• Know how much you can spare financially

Sessions with the doctors, specialists/ therapist, or what ever they are called, are never cheap. I personally feel, that autism should be a rich man's disease. How in the world is a financially challenged family, going to provide for their child? The subsidies they claim to have are totally crap! If subsidies had a shelf life, then maybe some people may get help. Cause, then they have to dish them out before they expire.

To tell you a funny story, when Ivan first started Special School at ****, I met with a social worker for financial help. She studied our case files, and called me over for a chat. I went down with a lot of hope. Here's how it went. 

She explains to me that I had to take the total family income and divide it amongst the total family members there were. So since my hubby was the sole bread-winner then, we took his gross, government salary and divided it amongst the four of us. And OMG, each of us got more than S$500. So then she explains to me that, we don't qualify. I mentioned to her that his therapies cost a lot, plus we have school fees, etc. She so kindly gave me a solution. She told me that should I have another baby, then the ratio of distribution will decrease, then maybe I can apply. AH, yes, why didn't I think of that? How en-genius of a plan. So yes, don't place your hope up too high for subsidies. Try to place a budget aside for your child's medical/ classes/ therapies. Start early, that is key.

• Research the professional you are going to visit prior to the trip

I find that many Singaporeans nowadays are very diligent, even before going for a holiday, they have Googled all the spots and cost they need for it. Yes, we are blessed with great IT technologies, so easily available at our doorstep. So make use of them, read up on the therapist/ psychologist that you are about to visit. Get into Mummy Forums to find out more, from other parents out there. Be open-minded, listen by think for yourself.

• If possible try to get a second opinion

If you can afford it, I would recommend that you get a second opinion. If the diagnosis is similar, that is good. But should they be far apart, then something is not right.

• Be open to comments given

It's hard, I know. To tell you a secret, I pick therapists that make me feel better after the session. Yes, I know, it's horrible of me. But I have encountered therapy session, when I come out feeling like the worst mother in the world. I feel crushed, demoralized and hopeless. And that transcends into how I treat people around me. I feel so down and condemed, that I can't get myself to teach Ivan. I take a while to pick myself up, by then it's time for therapy again, and the cycle continues.

On the flip side, when I have a session with someone, who knows how to put her words well. I am able to take her constructive criticism well, and help Ivan. I even try harder, as I know that I am doing a good job and my best to help my boy. Should something be wrong, the therapist is there to guide me.  

So should you be a parent who is about to a professional for your child, I hope my pointers have helped you. Always remember, that no one else is going to love and cherish your child like you do. They deserve better, let's advocate for them, be their voice to make their life a better one.

Denial...

When I experienced denial, it came sightly different from my hubby, Peter. I just felt so empty, I felt a big loss. I started to avoid meeting people. I just wanted to be alone. I experienced all kinds of emotions, I felt confused, ashamed, afraid, worried... I kept asking myself, if this was really happening.

Sometimes, there were so many emotions, that I was usually emotionally numb. Physically, I was exhausted all the time. Even if I sat still, my thoughts we raving and I was just exhausted. I needed lots of rest and sleep, but I didn't always get them. But I did end up crying everyday. I was an emotional wreck.

This autism had entered our lives, like a tornado and threw up all our dreams and hopes that we had for our boy. I was feeling a loss, while I myself was lost. Peter and I was going through so much, that we rather not talk about it. We tried dealing with it on our own, but we both needed to talk to someone. We needed to get it off our chests.

Pointers for Newcomers

I wished that when I started this journey, I had someone to advice me. So for the many of you, who are starting this journey, I would like to share these pointers with you.

• Take a moment, alone. 

You so very much need this, believe me.  Rest as much as you can, you need this to re-energize yourself. Let it out, however safely you can. I did find a glass of wine comforting, at times. but I was very careful to to get addicted. On the days that I find, I cannot handle anymore, I send the boys to their room to play. Then get them to nap early, as I have my alone time with a glass of wine, in another room.

• Observe your feelings, write them down. 

Cross them out once you have conquered them. Grief, pain, anger, resentment, etc.This helps you to empower yourself. As you overcome, one emotion after another.

• Accept that you are only human.

Don't beat yourself up. You are only human, you will breakdown, if you run on continuously. There will be things that you cannot conquer. You may not win all the time. So, realize that you are only human and live life the best you can.

• Try to adjust

With so many changes, it's not easy. Anyone will have a hard time, adjusting. So many constants in your life will change. Things that you rely on, may no longer be. So, embrace changes, that you can. Redirect your priorities and focus on what is important.

• Learn to enjoy the little things in life

 If there is one thing that I learnt from Ivan, it is to appreciate the little things in life. I literally, stop to smell the roses and be thankful the little blessings in my life.

• Equip yourself with information.

Ignorance is not always bliss. You will need to empower yourself with information. As much information as you can get your hands on. It will help you advocate on your child's behalf.

• Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

Realize that tomorrow never comes, so do what you can today. Forget about yesterday, you can't change it. Don't worry too much about tomorrow, it never is predictable. So do your best today.

• Learn to overpower autism, don't let it to enslave you and your family.

 As hard as it's going to be, there will be times that you find yourself triumphant over it. Hold on to those moments and, remember that you can be strong. Autism is just a part of your life, not your life.

• Find family and friends who can help you.

 You can do with all the help you can get. Reach out to your family and friends, accept help from anyone who wished to try.

It's like doing the tango, autism takes a direction, then it's your turn. It's a dance, no one wins, but you can have fun along the way.

What are autism spectrum disorders?

“Autism spectrum disorders are disorders of communication, being able to relate socially, and self-regulation in individuals of all ages. It is generally accepted that the underpinning of autism spectrum disorders are central nervous system dysfunctions.”(Hints and Tips for Helping Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders by Dion E. Betts & Nancy J. Patrick)

Autism isn’t "a one piece fits all" kind of diagnosis. You may find your child having a few combinations, thus making his/ her autism unique from the others. Within the umbrella of autism you will find, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Childhood Degenerative Disorder, Autism, and Asperger Syndrome. So how exactly can one know for sure, which are the exact combination.

One will find that children with autism spectrum disorder, face challenges in recalling past encounters to tie in with the present situation. They may find it challenging to focus, sequence, strategy, memorize or organize. All these skills are important for planning ahead and problem solving. However, one comforting aspect, is that normally, your child will face some of the above mentioned and not all of the above.

Should you wish to go into more theoretical details. All these activities, take place in a part of our brain called the frontal lobe.According to research, we come to know that the frontal lobe continues to develop into one adolescence. Some research states that there is an increase the the growth between the ages of seventeen to twenty.

Empathy is an emotion that children with autism struggle with. As it is, they struggle with understanding their own emotions, how could they possibly place themselves in the shoes of another. Should you know someone who has a child wit autism. Try to understand that it's hard for them. Try to be a little more tolerant when it comes to the child. Don't isolate them, try to include them. You will be surprised with the things you learn, when you open your heart and home. They can enrich your lives with new revelations.

The boy with something wrong

Years ago, my mum would stop by, to visit. When she did, she would love to sit down with a cup of coffee and ring up her friends for a chit chat. Upon many of the conversations . I used to hear her say these word, “I came to visit my grandson, you know the one with something wrong.” It hurts me so much,  but I know it’s not her fault, that’s how she sees him, the boy  that is not normal.

My mum-in law on the other hand feels that I must have sins that resulted in Ivan’s autism.  In the past I just got enraged with these two mothers in my life. But later I come to realize that they don’t have enough information to understand the diagnosis.  Thus, their understanding capacity is just that much. I try to keep my focus on the bigger picture, than to feel hurt when someone throws an insensitive remark.  Helps maintain my sanity.

Updates

Just like any company, updates are essential for progress. So if you are the parent in charge of the meetings and therapies, you should keep your spouse updated from time to time. This way your spouse will not feel left out of the loop. 

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Since Peter works abroad, it is difficult to keep him updated all the time. The time difference is also another obstacle. Future more, I can hardly update him on everything in about five minutes. So I decided that I shall start a blog. This way, I can update information on a regular basis, and Peter can read the updates, on his time, without disturbing my routine /sleep.

I need help too!

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Many of us refrain from asking help, as we don’t want to burden another.  As the first born in my family, I am the one, that fix stuff/ issues around the house. Should my mum need to make an important call to the Housing Board, Settle Bills at the Post Office, call the plumber, fix strained relationship between sis and mum, etc. I grew up with the fact that they always rely on me to do the right thing, and be there for everyone of them. I don’t when it started, but I find myself going to the rescue whenever they needed me. It seemed very normal for me, and I was used to it. But when autism came by knocking. I realized that even I had a breaking point. I could not fix this. I just became helpless. But in the eyes of my family, I could handle it all. I always seemed to do it. They saw me stronger than I was, I was only human. I do breakdown too. I need help too. Each time I turn to them, saying that it’s hard, they would respond, “If anyone can do it, you can.” I admire their faith in me, but I can’t always handle everything.

No expectations, No disappointments

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When I discovered the autism presence in Ivan, I guess, I had a lot of expectations from our extended families. I always thought that at a time of need they were always the first to turn too. But what I never realized was that it was not going to be the case. They were very helpful with Immanuel, as he was a typical child. But when it came to Ivan, they could not understand him. They saw him as a child with a defect. They found him to be too much of work, and it was too much for them to handle. They made it clear that they were happy to help out with Immanuel, but when it comes to Ivan, they would say, “He always looks for you.” It’s sad, I got angry for I really needed their support. But later I realized that should I have not expected so much, I would not have been disappointed. Peter always told me that I should not expect too much from anyone, that way they would not disappoint.

Some people may say that one should talk more about the situation, with the extended family members. I tried, but I came to realize that it was difficult for them to understand the whole situation. Even Peter and myself, were only starting to see the depth of it. But as I continued updating them, I came to find myself drained and upset. I find myself, very emotional, about to find a quiet place for me to cry it all out. Normally, I feel much better after a good cry. Eventually, I decided that I would just keep the updating for Peter, and he can have the honours of updating others. He seems to be stronger than I.

Tips for Date-Nite

So you have finally, gotten everything straightened out. You have a reliable sitter for your special child. You have a dinner reservation... but all you both talk about is therapy and the autism. Thus, feeling more worried and frustrated, date night just failed it's purpose.

 

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Here are some tips on making it a success.

Point #1
Prepare in advance the day, your date night should be on.
Do you both prefer a weeknight, or a weekend.

Point #2
Prepare in advance, the schedule of the day.
What are your children's schedule for the day?
Are they going to be very free and have a lot of energy when the sitter arrives?
Are they having lots of activities that day, that they will be exhausted by the time the sitter arrives?

Point #3
Prepare a lists of important information for the sitter.
Ensure to make a list of important telephone numbers.
Ensure you have instructions for the sitter should he/she need to get something from your home.

Point #4
Prepare rewards such as stickers/ sweets, and explain to the sitter how to use them.
Prepare the sitter with proper ways of dealing with your child's tantrums.
Help the sitter to foresee a problem before it happens, if possible.
Explain clearly, the duration of each activity and transition routines.


Point #5
Dress up, like you are meeting your husband for the first time. This helps you to anticipate a wonderful time together. Your heart will start beating faster. And the anticipation, will help you to forget the autism for a while.

Point #6
Make it a point that neither of you will talk about the kids or the special needs. Should you need, prepare in advance some conversation topics.

Point#7
Enjoy each others company and leave only after dessert. That way you would have truly had a good time and ended it with something sweet.

Point #8
Plan for the next date night once you come back, since you would be still in a good mood.
Try to stick to your plans for date night, once you start postponing it, you will tend to fall off the wagon again.

Time please hold on

Time is a luxury that many of us crave. Time seems to be bias when it comes to me, or so I feel. I just can't finish whatever I set out to do in the day I have.

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With time being a scarce commodity, I find myself having to prioritize. After making a list, I find that I am at the bottom of that list. When I started to burn out regularly, I knew I was going about it wrong. I so needed time alone by myself, and time alone with my husband.

But the very thought of leaving Ivan with another person, besides Peter or myself, was simply terrifying. I knew that no one else would be able to care for him, like Peter and I do. Later I realize that,  that was very selfish of me. As it was, I was struggling, I should reach out for some help. Not everyone has family near them, so all the more I should take advantage of it. So here are a few incidents...

Story #1 Ivan at my in-laws
My in-laws live in a flat on the eighth floor. To make me more paranoid, they don't have grills in the house. And at that time, Ivan had a quick tendency to dash to the window to peer out at the passing trains. He used to do it at our home (we lived on the thirteenth floor). Despite addressing my concerns a thousand times, they all just brushed it aside, saying that they have it under control. So Peter and I went out, leaving the two boys behind. We went down to the restaurant, where we had our first Christmas dinner date. We had a great lunch together. But honestly speaking, I was very distracted. I kept thinking of Ivan. Would they really keep an eye on him? Was everything alright with him?

So the lunch date was over and we headed home. We reached my in-laws place and sat down in the living room, to talk about the experience they had with him. Just as we were talking, Ivan dashed out of the bedroom and ran to the balcony to peep out at the passing train. Fortunately, Immanuel ran behind him and pulled him in. By that time Peter was already at the window, holding onto half of Ivan in the house, the front half of him dangling outside. I was frozen in my step. What would have happened if Peter wasn't there on time?  I was so lost for words, for the first time in my life. My baby was almost dead!!!

After this traumatic incident, my in-laws simply answered, "So he is fast ya." Seriously... I mean seriously.

Story #2 Ivan at my mum's place 
So here I am freaking out at this incident, and Peter tells me that I have to give it another try. So okay, my mum lives on the fourth floor and has grills in her home. So we won't have the similar incident happen again. Especially, since the train doesn't go pass my mum's place.

I gave my mum a long list of dos and don'ts. And then we were off for another lunch date. When I came back, Ivan was watching the television. When I left Ivan was watching the tele too. Mum mentioned that, that's the only thing Ivan knew how to do, was to sit in front of the tele. I was annoyed with her remark, but at least he was safe, right. Wrong!

We brought Ivan home, and rested awhile, Ivan was rather fussy and I coaxed him to take a nap. (which I regretted later) After his nap, he woke up still being fussy and cranky. Since Ivan could not express himself in words, I was trying to figure out what the problem was. The one thing I noticed, was that he kept touching his nose. My mama bear instincts told me something was wrong, and I looked up his nose. They was something up there, in his right nostril. Peter and I rushed him to the GP near our place. Since, Ivan was so fussy, the GP, suggested that we went to the hospital instead, as they would have the proper apparatus. And so we did. Of to the A& E to get the piece out of his nose.

What was it? A moth ball. Yes, a moth ball. When I informed my mum, what had happened, she mentioned that she had no idea. I was not happy that she left my four year old, unattended. her logic was, he is so blur, it's not like he was going anywhere. My heart just broke...

Story #3 Ivan at my friend's place 
Peter went of to Iraq to fulfill his duties. This was the second time the Navy had sent him. So I thought that a night out alone would be great. I booked a suite at the same hotel, we got married in. It was a school night and I had made arrangement with a close friend, to babysit the boys. I had talked to the boys about our night out. Immanuel was trilled as he was going to get a sleep over with his close friends. Ivan, took well to my friend, so he was not anxious. All went well. After our breakfast at the hotel, we headed straight to get the boys. They seemed fine, I was so happy.

But my friend on the other hand, was not in good shape. She looked exhausted and pitiful. She took me by the hand, and said, "I don't know how you do it, but I now have a new found respect for you." I was so glad for her, but felt too bad to call her on babysitting duties again.


Story #4 Ivan at home with the maid 
Now I am back to work again, so I got a domestic helper. Nowadays, Peter and I can have regular date nights. Immanuel watches over and understands his little brother, Ivan. Ivan is also now eleven. The stress levels have gone down a huge amount. Finally, a ray of hope.

Eventually, I realized that I needed to be less controlling and allow others to care for Ivan too. It helps them to understand my situation better. Also it helps Ivan to get used to others caring for him. Although, it may not work out immediately, don't give up.

The times I had for myself, I treated myself to a facial, manicure or got my hair coloured. All of these, allowed me to pamper myself and made me feel pretty and confident. The times I shared with my dear husband, helped rekindle the sparks between us. Sometimes, all you need is a different environment (away from home and the kids) to switch modes. Then you will find  yourself rejuvenated and energized. Trust me, we all need a little pampering to re-energize, and we can't go without it.

If you are in a helpless situation, try to take a breather. Hold on, as it will get better in time. It will.

Who is doing more?

Sometimes, one parent may feel that he or she is is doing so much more than the other parent. Try to think that you both are working as a team for your child against the autism (in my case). My my case, I find myself doing a lot, as Peter works abroad.

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I sometimes get very angry that I am left here all alone, doing so much. But then one day, during our time alone, we talked about this. I then realized that Peter was doing a lot too, just that he was doing it away form home. He is working hard, away from home, so that we could afford all the therapies that Ivan needed.

When the time came that we needed to know more about Ivan's condition, I went to future my studies, in the area of Special Education. And I could only pursue that since Peter could pay for it. So, I later came to appreciate the fact that Peter was doing what he could do best, provide for us. When I started to appreciate his efforts, I started to do what I do happily. I realized that we were a team, and there was no one doing more than the other. And together, we are able to provide more for our kids. More finances, more opportunities, and with understanding, more love.

What's my role?

Responsibility. The word itself, is so burdensome. Everyone has responsibilities, every parent has responsibility and obligations to their children. But aside from the normal expectations, a family requires, parents of children with special needs have to ensure proper segregation. If the load is not divided evenly, then, one person will be over loaded and it will be truly overwhelming.

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We all have areas we are better in and areas that we are not so well versed in. (strengths and  weaknesses) It is very overwhelming for one parent to do so much. I know, as I tried to be superwoman in the past. I was so paranoid that my hubby was so relaxed that I took on too much of responsibilities. I started going so crazy that I broke down in a matter of time. Thankfully, Peter was there to help me pick up the pieces. He is sweet that way, he stands by me and watch me go crazy trying to so everything, then when I crack up, he comes in to pick up the pieces.

Here are the roles that I take up:

• Meetings at school and hospitals 

Since I am his main caregiver, I can furnish important information to educators and health care professionals.

• Daily routines, acceptable behaviour

Routines are very important to stablize children with autism. Seating at the dinner table, and table etiquette are all important to be taught. And need to be done consistently.

• Homework and acedamics

When Ivan has homework, I am the one who sits down with him. He knows that when I teach him, I go into teacher mode. And he gets that. Mummy mode comes later, when we cuddle.  Since I am an educator, I fit well with teaching Ivan. And I have to always find new ways to teach and engage Ivan. 

Peter's roles:

• Fun time with boys
• Playground fun and exercise routines
• Teaching of toileting routines and shower

Since Peter is more a fun guy, he is in charge of the physical (fun) aspect for rouitnes. Also, since Ivan is a boy, Peter settles the toileting routines with Ivan. Since, Peter works aboard, when ever he comes to town, he gets into his roles. I sometimes, get him to take over some of my duties too, so I can catch a break. And Peter always obliges me, as he knows that I so need a breather. And he sees all these teaching time as an opportunity to spend quality time with his boys.

till death do us part... my friend

Some people say that you should have a spouse, who used to be a friend. Well, I met Peter and fell in love with him, not giving us a chance to be friends first. But along the way, we became good friends. I am glad for that. It is crucial that you can count on your spouse to be a good friend. I read once that when we look at our husbands from a wife's point of view, we have ridiculous expectations. However, should we look as a friend, we find ourselves more accommodating.

Peter and I are four years apart, I met him when I was nineteen. Whenever there was a squabble, or should I choose to throw a tantrum, he was very forgiving. One day, I asked him why he indulged my "craziness", when we were dating. He replied that I was still young, and that he was giving me space to grow up. That was so sweet. I am glad he did indulge me, because when autism hit, I was forced to grow up and take life by it's horns.

It is strange that men think that they only need to work hard during the dating years, but women expect them to improve as the years go by. The sweet darling that I dated, changed to be a predictable man with responsibilities, after we got married. I love that he is responsible but didn't really like the predictable part.

Like any middle class Singaporean family, we worked hard in our twenties, thinking that we could gradually relax later in life. Even with our two boys, we thought the same... until the autism. Suddenly, life was harder. Relationships became harder. Now we had to work even harder on our marriage.

I needed Peter to be my friend, to listen to me. He would, sometimes, but he was too close to the problem to make me feel better. I wonder how he dealed with his feelings as he didn't talk much about it. Eventually, I realized that I could not share everything with Peter. Some issues when I brought up to talk about them, had been buried by Peter. And I was making it worse for him by uncovering them, as he had buried them in his mind. We were actually doing a tango, and that was not helping either one of us. I tried talking to family members... but they could barely comprehend the huge effect that it had on us. Instead, they just shrugged it off, saying soon it will be all well. They had to say something, but I would have been so much happier if, they had placed an effort to really try to understand what we were going through.

My next approach was to friends, they were more sympathetic, but also had no clue what we faced. Strangely, I have met a few Singaporean mum in the same boat, but didn't feel comfortable talking to them. I guess they were in denial when I met them. They seemed ashamed and refused to acknowledge the issue. Finally, I caught a break with some other mums, who shared with me just as I shared with them. They were understanding and we shared experiences and contacts of therapists.

Today, I am stronger. I don't really try to talk about the ordeal of autism, unless I have too. I try to live my life as normal as I can. I try to be happy with whatever blessings come my way, no matter how huge or little. I give thanks.

till death to us part... part 3

The Royal wedding was screened on air, just a couple of days ago. Most little girls grow up, dreaming of a fairytale wedding. Kate was blessed to have one, but the marriage is a whole different story.

Like many young brides, I dreamed of my knight in shining armor to whisk me off my feet. I met Peter and was so in love. However, reality set in when I encountered issues with my in-laws. They were not very fond of a bride who had liberal thoughts.

Thinking that it was an initial hiccup, Peter and I endeavored and wedded each other in a very traditional church wedding. Three months later, I found out that I was pregnant with a boy. Immanuel, our first born, was a bright boy. He spoke even before he walked. He never crawled much, instead he ran around most of the time.

Soon Peter and I thought, we were up for another addition into our family. We planned to have our second born, who came in 2000. Ivan was such an adorable little bub. He smiled all the time. He woke up in the morning with a cheerful smile, and dozes off to sleep with a sweet smile too. Life was hard juggling everything together. But we figured it would only get better as the boys grew older.

Then came the year 2002, when all went up in flames. Autism walked into our lives. It brought with it shattered dreams, anger, hatred, pain and so much more.

Peter and I dealed with this intruder, in our on way, at our own time. Sometimes, we hardly talked to each other. Words could not describe our feelings. But one thing we shared in common was pain. Since pain was a feeling we both shared, patience was the antidote we both needed. But we needed the antidote from each other. And that was a little difficult to do.

Around this time, I had forgotten about my traditional wedding day, let alone the promises I had made to my husband. The marriage was not as I had thought. It was a lot of work, even more so now, with autism barging in all the time. We went through many stages, but by the grace of God we are still together walking the journey together.

However, over the years we have grown in many ways. I started to realize that it was just as difficult for Peter as it was for me. He was not mourning the things I mourned, but he didn't have to. We both lost a lot but we both lost different things. He mourned the loss of the ideal child, the times he would spending teaching his son soccer and all the guy things they were going to do together. I mourned, the loss of my freedom. I moured the lifestyle changes I had to make, the friends I lost while I was in isolation. I mourned, the instability and unpredictability of things to come. (since I was such a control freak)

Peter mourned long term stuff, while I mourned the day to day things.  There was no right or wrong... there was just a wide hole of loss. Loss we could never recover, but we could refocus our goals to be happy, and that's what we try to do always.

till death do us part... in sickness and in health

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Do you recall, standing at the altar, saying your vows? This was one of the long line of promises we all made. Health covers all kinds of health areas, physical, emotional and mental health. Many of us, will be there with a bowl if hot soup for our spouses, when they are ill. But how many of us realize that they have other health needs too.

Parents who have a child with special needs will tell you that one way or another they are aware of this. Dealing with either mental and emotional health, can be very exhausting too. And the recovery may take years.(no bowl of good soup is going to help you feel better, may be some wine may help relax you)

However, one good lifestyle habit that I have noticed common amongst parents with children of special needs, is that they never break down together. It seems to be a universal understanding, that the family unit cannot function such. Thus, each spouse takes turn to grieve. Peter and I did that too. We still do it, it actually helps keep the marriage in tact, when the communication line have gone dead.

Normally, the emotionally stronger individual will hold on and allow the other to breakdown first. I lean on Peter, always. But when autism came visiting, Peter was not willing to accommodate. He was very isolated and withdrawn. I waited for a year for Peter to stomach the fact, that our precious little boy had autism. After the long wait, when Peter was active and on board, then I took some time to breakdown. And it was bad. So bad.

till death do us part... part 1

When I discovered that autism was going to ride with us throughout our lives... I could not foresee many things. I knew that many of the aspects of my life was going to change. My lifestyle, my relationships and my whole being.

With so many things, racking up a whirlwind around me. I never realized the toll it would take on my relationships. And amongst the many relationships that too a beating, my marriage took the worst. During my many read-ups, I had read, was that the divorce rates amongst parents of children with special needs are on a high. But I had no idea how, or when it was going to hit us.

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Well, it started with a dose of deprived sleep, (for both of us). As Ivan would sometimes stay up all night, we had to take turns, keeping an eye on him. I normally took the first shift, and Peter took the later half. Sometimes, we would knock out, then quickly startle back into reality. Just to check that Ivan was safe.

Imagine, keeping your son under 24 hours surveillance. Only difference is, there is no CCTV. Instead, it's you.
Image, going to bed every night, hoping that your son would not wake up and hurt himself, while you were asleep.
Cruel... true... but that was my plight. Unless we learn to relax a little (which I have learnt now) you will drain out very quickly.

With sleep being a scarce commodity, you will find yourself on edge most of the times. And sadly, should you need to snap, it's your spouse that gets the explosion. I just needed to get the frustrations out of my system. But I had no one to turn too. So I blow out at my spouse, on a regular basis. He would stomp out not wanting to deal with my rages.

Many atimes, we felt our marriage slipping through our fingers. We both wanted a solution. However, since there was no solution, we seeked out solace in escape. We stopped talking about the autism, although we felt it's presence. Hoping that it would get tired of hanging around and leave us alone. Unfortunately, it's still an unwanted guest in our lives. But we have grown stronger over the years. I truly believe, that what cannot kill us can only make us stronger. Throughout, all the struggles, Peter and I have walked apart... but we were both walking towards the same direction. We both found the fight for Ivan. We both needed one another, but we didn't know how to show it.

After a lot of screaming, crying and hyper-ventilating, I look back now and thank the good Lord for being there with us. I choose to believe that He held us strong, when we gave up. I guess, now that I know better, I could share some tips for the new travelers on the road of autism.

point #1 - Grieve separately
We are all different. I like to talk about my feelings/ write them down. Peter on the other hand, likes to keep it to himself, and zone out with his alone time. So you see, it's impossible to comfort each other like this. But if we licked our wounds, separately, we could compose ourselves and walk together again. You see, when you are hurting, you expect your spouse to comfort you. But your spouse is hurting too. So take a breather, give each other some space. Face the ugly, yourself. Sometimes, you can surprise yourself, to know how strong you really are.

point #2 - Get real
So come on now, don't kid yourselves. Set reasonable and realistic goals. When you visit the professionals, don't expect too much from your kid. Remember, your child is fighting with autism. Be kind to him/her. Encourage your child and yourself, by setting reasonable goals, so that success can enter your lives and hopefully, grow with you.

point #3 -share the yoke
Don't carry the burden by yourself. I did that, trying to shoulder all. I failed. In times like these, you need each other. Rely on your spouse. You promised to stand by each other on your wedding day, remember. So do it.

point #4 -rekindle that flame
When you are in such a situation like this, the last thing on your mind would be a little romance. But try to set aside some time, for just the two of you. Go for a date if you can. Remember, what attached you to your spouse in the first place. That may be what you need to remind you, that you have each other.

The guys would be anticipating some long awaited love making, however, the ladies would be waiting to share their feelings. So based on your individuality, figure a compromise. I was not that fortunate to have date nights, after Ivan was diagnosed. No one understood him, or thought that we needed some time away too. So, we made the best of our situation. The boys were sent to bed by 9pm. And once they were asleep, we have a glass of wine out at our balcony. We had our own time, without any interruptions. The conversations, at an atmosphere like this, will truly change the mood and the tone of your voice too. You may find your spouse to be a little more sympathetic and patient. Your spouse and you may even see eye to eye on certain issues. And make some important decisions eventually.

At the end of the day, there is nothing like a little TLC.

How it all began?

The year was 2002. I am sitting at the therapist office at KKH, CDC. The therapist, introduced me to Autism, one that was going to join us for the rest of our lives. But I didn't really comprehend this, at that time.

I recall, having so many thoughts racing through my mind at that time. I took the sheets of paper given to me, got up from my chair and held my baby's hand. We walked out of the room, with the same expression... blank. I headed to the payment counter and then to the taxi stand. Came home without saying a word. What was this "autism" that followed me back home? I had never heard of this before.

I guess the word used in the 90s to describe children that were challenged was called "retarded". Did my boy have this? It sounded really bad... I was confused, worried, upset... so many emotions, that I could not name all of them.

I didn't have much to say, I didn't call anyone. I headed straight to the laptop. I Googled "autism", and started reading. Vaguely, I understood, what I read. I knew for sure that something was seriously wrong with my baby. I shared the information with my hubby when he came home. It wasn't shocking, he just went silent. He always does that when he was troubled. It went on for days. I was waiting for him, to comfort me. I don't really know what was going through his mind though. A week went by and the silence persisted. Eventually, I confronted him. I was lost. He was lost. Ivan was lost in all this.

We knew that we had so much to deal with individually, that we simply could not discuss the matter just then. We discussed the matters that were cruicial for decision making at that time. We then left to our own corners to lick our wounds. It was to complicated to express in simple words.

Denial

The Stage of Denial
As humans, many a times, we try to hide ourselves in this place called Denial. For some of us, the situations seem too much, that blocking it out seems only fair. I can fairly say that the same goes for parents of children with special needs. There are a couple of stages that we all go through, but they may not be in the same order. Denial of course, is one that everyone would have visited at one point or another. "My child has a problem? Autism? Asperger's Syndrome? Really? ... Seriously, I don't think so."

Have you hear these words in your mind? Well don't be ashamed, we all have entertained this once before. We all deal with trials differently, I waited a year to breakdown, while my hubby spent a year in a place called Denial. When he was on board, I broke down. One of us had to be functioning with sanity. I will share more on this experience soon.

Where I am today...

I sit at the dining table having my breakfast. As I enjoy my sausage and eggs. I think back to the times, when it was so trying having Jr Autism dine with us.

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Actually all meals were the same. Ivan's food had to be cut up into bite size portions. I had to remove the stuff that he would not eat. I had to make sure that all was up to his liking. Then and only then, could I get to my plate. And by then, my food was cold and I was annoyed and hungry no more.

I recall one day, that I snapped during lunch. We went out to dine, and I placed the orders for Ivan and I. Dad and Immanuel chose their own. When the food came, I did what I always did. Since Immanuel ordered chicken, I had to help him cut it up too.

As I was settling all this, I snapped at my hubby who was enjoying his meal. I was so annoyed, why did I have to always do it. He could do it too, giving me a chance to enjoy my dinner too.

He responded to me with a very cool responds, "If you do this all the time, when are they going to learn to do it themselves." I was so angry.... but he had a point. I wanted all to go well, that I ended up fixing everything. I needed to step back for the boys to grow, and explore.

It was a small wake up call for me. I realize that my need to fix things, was making me miserable and resent my hubby for not helping me.

The next day at home. I gave Ivan an omelet to start with, as he loves eggs. I gave him a fork and a knife, and watched. He struggled, mumbled and asked for me to help him. I demonstrated to him, how to cut the omelet. And stood there beside him. After a few tries, he mastered it. When I beheld that sight, I could hear "Hallelujah" in my head. I was so please, that I could tick off something else on the list, he could feed himself independently. -yay

about me

I would like to introduce myself as a passionate person. Whatever I indulge in, I am passionate about. Along with passionate, I am also a perfectionist. And thankfully, now I have learnt to loosen up a little bit.

Like every little girl, I had dreams and ambitions. I wanted to teach, even from a very young age. I grew up and became a preschool teacher. I got married to my sweetheart, I met in my college days. We lived the normal, middle class, Singaporean life. The following year, we were promoted from a couple to parents. Our first born, was a bouncing baby boy. Pretty bright fellow he is. He started talking even before he could walk. And I was so proud of him, as he spoke very well (without Singlish, until much much later).

My hubby and I planned to have kids early, so that we could retire early and travel. I thought that a two year interval would be ideal. I wanted the kids to be close, as they would grow up with similar interests. (I say this because my sis and I are eight years apart, and we hardly had anything in common. The age gap was too wide.) So all went well as we planned. My second son arrived just around the time my elder son turned two. I was happy, life was going as planned. Both my hubby and I worked hard, like every other Singaporean family. Thinking that we would work very hard in our twenties and thirties and the slow down in our fourties as the boys grew. An ideal dream every middle class, Singaporean family carries. Ivan was born, and he was an adorable little angel.

I was pursuing higher education and working all at the same time. My boys were left in the care of a domestic helper, while my hubby and I were out at work. All was going fine.... until one day... my whole world  overturned. It sneaked up on us slowly and eventually, blasted on our faces. Autism that it.

In this blog I will share my journey, and I will be as honest as I can be. Life changed for us the day we heard the word "autism", and has never been the same.