Some people say that you should have a spouse, who used to be a friend. Well, I met Peter and fell in love with him, not giving us a chance to be friends first. But along the way, we became good friends. I am glad for that. It is crucial that you can count on your spouse to be a good friend. I read once that when we look at our husbands from a wife's point of view, we have ridiculous expectations. However, should we look as a friend, we find ourselves more accommodating.
Peter and I are four years apart, I met him when I was nineteen. Whenever there was a squabble, or should I choose to throw a tantrum, he was very forgiving. One day, I asked him why he indulged my "craziness", when we were dating. He replied that I was still young, and that he was giving me space to grow up. That was so sweet. I am glad he did indulge me, because when autism hit, I was forced to grow up and take life by it's horns.
It is strange that men think that they only need to work hard during the dating years, but women expect them to improve as the years go by. The sweet darling that I dated, changed to be a predictable man with responsibilities, after we got married. I love that he is responsible but didn't really like the predictable part.
Like any middle class Singaporean family, we worked hard in our twenties, thinking that we could gradually relax later in life. Even with our two boys, we thought the same... until the autism. Suddenly, life was harder. Relationships became harder. Now we had to work even harder on our marriage.
I needed Peter to be my friend, to listen to me. He would, sometimes, but he was too close to the problem to make me feel better. I wonder how he dealed with his feelings as he didn't talk much about it. Eventually, I realized that I could not share everything with Peter. Some issues when I brought up to talk about them, had been buried by Peter. And I was making it worse for him by uncovering them, as he had buried them in his mind. We were actually doing a tango, and that was not helping either one of us. I tried talking to family members... but they could barely comprehend the huge effect that it had on us. Instead, they just shrugged it off, saying soon it will be all well. They had to say something, but I would have been so much happier if, they had placed an effort to really try to understand what we were going through.
My next approach was to friends, they were more sympathetic, but also had no clue what we faced. Strangely, I have met a few Singaporean mum in the same boat, but didn't feel comfortable talking to them. I guess they were in denial when I met them. They seemed ashamed and refused to acknowledge the issue. Finally, I caught a break with some other mums, who shared with me just as I shared with them. They were understanding and we shared experiences and contacts of therapists.
Today, I am stronger. I don't really try to talk about the ordeal of autism, unless I have too. I try to live my life as normal as I can. I try to be happy with whatever blessings come my way, no matter how huge or little. I give thanks.
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