Is your boy mute?

Many of us, don't have a trouble holding a conversation with another. I definitely, don't. Since conversing comes, so easily for me, it took me a while to understand, how challenging it was for my boy, with autism.

My family and I frequent a diner, near home, regularly. One night, some time ago, something mind blogging happened. The four of us went in, as usual, ordered our dishes, and continued as usual. What was the usual? Lots of chatting. We would talk about our day, at work, things that were bothering us, decisions we had to make. Peter, Immanuel and I usually used dinner time to catch up on what's new in our lives. And during this time, Ivan would be busy humming, as he flips the pages of his favourite book.

Since Peter brought the boys to the restroom, I called for the bill. While I was signing the credit card slip, the waitress said this. "You have a nice family, but I notice every time you come in, that boy doesn't talk. Is he mute?" I was shocked. Oh my gosh! She must think that we are horrible parents, to ignore the mute child at our table. I explained to her that he was rather shy, and didn't really enjoy conversations.

Later, I shared this with Peter. It was a mind blogging moment. What were we doing? We were focusing on Immanuel, and his stories, trying to be as normal as any family was. But never realized that maybe, Ivan wanted to say something too. But Ivan was always so busy with his books, that he never joined in. Would he actually, want to be part of the conversation? Does, he even like to have a conversation? He never showed much interest for conversations, before.

I felt so bad, and ashamed that a stranger had to call me out on this. But I was glad she did, sometimes, we have to step out, to see the whole picture. Ever since that day, when ever we sit for dinner, even at home, we would try to direct a few simple questions at Ivan. Just to make him feel included in the family conversations.
Simple, questions like, "Do you like your pasta? Is it too spicy? Do you have school tomorrow? Where would you like to go after this?" Ivan is capable enough to answer these questions with ease, so conversing would not be so stressful for him.

For a child to hold a conversation many skills are required. Firstly, he has to be able to attend the information, by listening, which means he has to sit and focus. Then the mind has to process the information, resulting in the comprehension, of what is being said. Then the mind, has to assimilate the information, and produce an answer for what has been said. All these things take much effort and time for a child with autism to process.

Imagine you are talking to someone overseas, with a bad phone connection. You will find that when you talk, there is an echo, then a brief silence and the you hear the other person talking. It's not like a normal conversation you would have, if the person was standing in front of you. The processing of information in a autistic child's mind is similar. There is a lot of stalling, and filtering and processing and then downloading. So you may find that after you ask a question, the child takes about a minute to process and then answers you.

So what must you be aware of, when talking to them?

Ask simple, single domain questions only?
Are you hungry? Then wait.
What would you like to eat? Then wait.


DO NOT ask
Are you hungry? What would you like to eat? Hamburgers? Pizza? 
All these are too much to consolidate in one go.

DO NOT repeat the same question too many times. Ask once then wait, after half a minute, ask the same question again, then wait. If the child understands your question, you should get your answer in by a minute. Don't be quick to repeat yourself, as the child may think that you are asking another questions, and repeat the whole downloading process in his mind. Getting you both no where.

When giving instructions, do so similarly.
"Ivan, take of your shoes." Then wait, allow him to complete the action.
"Ivan place them on the shoe rack." Then wait, allow him to complete the action.
One step instructions are best to start with. In time you will not have to repeat everything. This is because, the child will learn to see the routine, first taking off the shoes, and then placing them on the shoe rack. Thus, the routine will aid the child into what is expected of him. As the child matures, gradually, increase the complexity of the questions asked or instructions given.

It takes time to lay the foundation, but in time you will find it worth the while.