When I discovered that autism was going to ride with us throughout our lives... I could not foresee many things. I knew that many of the aspects of my life was going to change. My lifestyle, my relationships and my whole being.
With so many things, racking up a whirlwind around me. I never realized the toll it would take on my relationships. And amongst the many relationships that too a beating, my marriage took the worst. During my many read-ups, I had read, was that the divorce rates amongst parents of children with special needs are on a high. But I had no idea how, or when it was going to hit us.
Well, it started with a dose of deprived sleep, (for both of us). As Ivan would sometimes stay up all night, we had to take turns, keeping an eye on him. I normally took the first shift, and Peter took the later half. Sometimes, we would knock out, then quickly startle back into reality. Just to check that Ivan was safe.
Imagine, keeping your son under 24 hours surveillance. Only difference is, there is no CCTV. Instead, it's you.
Image, going to bed every night, hoping that your son would not wake up and hurt himself, while you were asleep.
Cruel... true... but that was my plight. Unless we learn to relax a little (which I have learnt now) you will drain out very quickly.
With sleep being a scarce commodity, you will find yourself on edge most of the times. And sadly, should you need to snap, it's your spouse that gets the explosion. I just needed to get the frustrations out of my system. But I had no one to turn too. So I blow out at my spouse, on a regular basis. He would stomp out not wanting to deal with my rages.
Many atimes, we felt our marriage slipping through our fingers. We both wanted a solution. However, since there was no solution, we seeked out solace in escape. We stopped talking about the autism, although we felt it's presence. Hoping that it would get tired of hanging around and leave us alone. Unfortunately, it's still an unwanted guest in our lives. But we have grown stronger over the years. I truly believe, that what cannot kill us can only make us stronger. Throughout, all the struggles, Peter and I have walked apart... but we were both walking towards the same direction. We both found the fight for Ivan. We both needed one another, but we didn't know how to show it.
After a lot of screaming, crying and hyper-ventilating, I look back now and thank the good Lord for being there with us. I choose to believe that He held us strong, when we gave up. I guess, now that I know better, I could share some tips for the new travelers on the road of autism.
point #1 - Grieve separately
We are all different. I like to talk about my feelings/ write them down. Peter on the other hand, likes to keep it to himself, and zone out with his alone time. So you see, it's impossible to comfort each other like this. But if we licked our wounds, separately, we could compose ourselves and walk together again. You see, when you are hurting, you expect your spouse to comfort you. But your spouse is hurting too. So take a breather, give each other some space. Face the ugly, yourself. Sometimes, you can surprise yourself, to know how strong you really are.
point #2 - Get real
So come on now, don't kid yourselves. Set reasonable and realistic goals. When you visit the professionals, don't expect too much from your kid. Remember, your child is fighting with autism. Be kind to him/her. Encourage your child and yourself, by setting reasonable goals, so that success can enter your lives and hopefully, grow with you.
point #3 -share the yoke
Don't carry the burden by yourself. I did that, trying to shoulder all. I failed. In times like these, you need each other. Rely on your spouse. You promised to stand by each other on your wedding day, remember. So do it.
point #4 -rekindle that flame
When you are in such a situation like this, the last thing on your mind would be a little romance. But try to set aside some time, for just the two of you. Go for a date if you can. Remember, what attached you to your spouse in the first place. That may be what you need to remind you, that you have each other.
The guys would be anticipating some long awaited love making, however, the ladies would be waiting to share their feelings. So based on your individuality, figure a compromise. I was not that fortunate to have date nights, after Ivan was diagnosed. No one understood him, or thought that we needed some time away too. So, we made the best of our situation. The boys were sent to bed by 9pm. And once they were asleep, we have a glass of wine out at our balcony. We had our own time, without any interruptions. The conversations, at an atmosphere like this, will truly change the mood and the tone of your voice too. You may find your spouse to be a little more sympathetic and patient. Your spouse and you may even see eye to eye on certain issues. And make some important decisions eventually.
At the end of the day, there is nothing like a little TLC.
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