My new experience...

As of late, I have been dealing with a surge of emotions. I found out a couple of months ago, that my hubby and I were expecting another baby. It truly came as a shocker to both of us. He just turned forty-one and I would be thirty-seven soon. This was definately, not in the list of our retirement plans.

Honestly, last year (2011) Peter and I actually planned to have another baby, but after trying for six months, we gave up, and then decided to focus on our early retirement instead. Then came 2012 with the symptoms of pregnancy. We had just returned from a holiday and were in high spirits. I was sure I could not be pregnant but took the test anyway. 


As I waited for the results, I recalled all those times, I tested last year and was disappointed that the test was negative. Well, it was time and I flipped over the stick.... and it was positive this time. I felt myself stiff for a moment. Was it right? Could I really be pregnant? I was just not ready for this... not now....
Peter was leaving for work, overseas the next day... how was he going to take the new? (he tends to take a long time to process information like this)


There was an unnatural silence in our household. Then after telling Peter the results, we spoke to our boys about the idea of another sibling. Comfortingly, they were thrilled about the news. We were still in shock. After the boys went off to bed, we sat in the TV room and stared blankly at the TV which was on. I knew that in Peter's mind, he was processing the information. I just needed to tell someone. To get the information off my chest, but who? I knew that the response I got, would really mean a lot and I knew that I could not call anyone in the family. So I called my BFF, knowing that she was one person that would genueinly be happy for me. I told her and she was congratulating me, I was glad to have spoken to her, but was still worried and in shock.


The next question was, are we keeping this baby. I know it sounds cruel, but after you have a child with special needs you understand that you are not being a hero by knowingly choosing to bring up such a child. No body wins neither you nor the child. But at this stage, things were too early to tell. I considered my age and the huge age gap between the first two boys, then the statistics of women above thirty-five having children and the complications. 


But for some reason, the Good Lord thought that another baby would do us good. To tell you honestly, it weighed very heavy on my heart. Ideally, I always wanted a big family. But after the invasion of autism into our lives, things were not so simple anymore. I was afraid, there were too many what if's....


Peter had left for his overseas assignment and I had made an appointment with a gynae from Thomson Medical. To my surprise, he rattled my nerves even more. After a long wait, he told me that the machine could not pick out the image of a fetus. And that would mean: 

• you could have a fallopian pregnancy
• you could be too early to tell
• or you could just have a complicated preganancy

Wow! thanks for charging me S$200 over dollars just to freak me out. He was so annoying, I was at worried all over again. I called up KKH where I had my boys before and asked to book a gynae from the Private Suites. I was given an appointment slot a week from then. Peter and I decided that we would not tell anyone until then.

The week of waiting seemed so long. Finally, it was Thursday and I was at the gynae's. The gynae told me that it was too early into the pregnancy to see the fetus, but he could see a sac and that was good enough for him to confirm the pregnancy. A sigh of relief swept past. I called Peter and told him the good news. We had decided to take this pregnancy a day at a time.

I knew no one would understand our situtation but us, and I was right. Support was as usual, not an asset we had. We didnt expect family members to jump for joy, but at least to share the joy with us. Unfortunately, we were left with lots of raised eyebrows (hmm...), head shaking (you really want to do this, after your son's problem) and even some people who were surprised that we could conceive as that meant having sex (you mean you are still having sex at this age). Seriously, they were all so supportive!!!! 


When I received all these reviews from our family, I was shaken. No was was there for us when we struggled through Ivan's initial journey into autism and I am pretty sure no one bothered to understand anyway. So whatever the future holds, I knew we were going to face it together, just the four of us. So, I took a deep breathe and told myself, and with the grace of God I could do this. 


Even today, I have negative tongues wagging at us, for having a baby now. If the baby was to be a boy, I am sure that they would start with the pity party telling me, that I may face another chance of dealing with autism again. Come what may, I rest my worries onto the arms of my God.