The Scars of the Tornado will remain

When you lose your child to autism, you may have him physically with you, but you will always mourn the loss of that "lost" child.

I have read in books, that parents of children with such situations, mourn the loss of the perfect child. And although I don't mourn the perfect child, I still find myself mourning the loss, of what could have been...

As I await for Ivan's transport to drop him off, I watched children heading home from school. Most of the kids I saw were from the same school Ivan was in, when he had mainstreamed. I then thought to myself, that if Ivan did not have autism, he would be in primary 6 this year. He would be sitting for his PSLE and soon to go into secondary school. How our lives would have been so different?

But as I mentally slipped back into reality, I realized my wishful thinking and sadly hope that he is happy where he is now. Every parent has hopes and dreams for their unborn child, only to see them manifest as the child grows.

I didn't even want to go down that road with the conception of this baby that I am carrying, in faith I trust the Lord knows best.

My two boys are heading into the era of teenage-hood. I am very proud of them so far. Even though they each exhibit their versions of teenage rebellion, I can see their heart leading them well.

I think it's the hormones that contributed to this blog entry. A couple of days ago, when I had lunch with my sister, I shared my challenges with this pregnancy. She told me that I should be blessed to have these discomforts as they were normal.

But she was wrong, I was blessed with two blissful pregnancies before. As I had a full time job, I don't recall stopping to realize my aches and pains. Furthermore, I never stopped to think about things that could go wrong. I had not personally known anyone who had a child with special needs.

Now with this pregnancy, I am blessed with the fact that I can stay home. But the down side is that, I can't help but notice everything. After autism invaded out lives, nothing would be that simple anymore. But I encourage you, if you have similar fears, to get your mind off things. Try to relax and enjoy that time of innocence you have. When baby comes, there is much to do.