A Beautiful Surprise

This evening, I got a special surprise from my hubby who is away on a job. It was such a wonderful gesture. Truly, it is the little special things like this, that makes one feel loved.It had been a tiring time for me lately, with Baby G added into the mix. Papa G being called away at work most of the time, didn't help either. But a bouquet of red roses, tells me that he cares and appreciated me.

Tips for Date-Nite

So you have finally, gotten everything straightened out. You have a reliable sitter for your special child. You have a dinner reservation... but all you both talk about is therapy and the autism. Thus, feeling more worried and frustrated, date night just failed it's purpose.

 

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Here are some tips on making it a success.

Point #1
Prepare in advance the day, your date night should be on.
Do you both prefer a weeknight, or a weekend.

Point #2
Prepare in advance, the schedule of the day.
What are your children's schedule for the day?
Are they going to be very free and have a lot of energy when the sitter arrives?
Are they having lots of activities that day, that they will be exhausted by the time the sitter arrives?

Point #3
Prepare a lists of important information for the sitter.
Ensure to make a list of important telephone numbers.
Ensure you have instructions for the sitter should he/she need to get something from your home.

Point #4
Prepare rewards such as stickers/ sweets, and explain to the sitter how to use them.
Prepare the sitter with proper ways of dealing with your child's tantrums.
Help the sitter to foresee a problem before it happens, if possible.
Explain clearly, the duration of each activity and transition routines.


Point #5
Dress up, like you are meeting your husband for the first time. This helps you to anticipate a wonderful time together. Your heart will start beating faster. And the anticipation, will help you to forget the autism for a while.

Point #6
Make it a point that neither of you will talk about the kids or the special needs. Should you need, prepare in advance some conversation topics.

Point#7
Enjoy each others company and leave only after dessert. That way you would have truly had a good time and ended it with something sweet.

Point #8
Plan for the next date night once you come back, since you would be still in a good mood.
Try to stick to your plans for date night, once you start postponing it, you will tend to fall off the wagon again.

till death do us part... my friend

Some people say that you should have a spouse, who used to be a friend. Well, I met Peter and fell in love with him, not giving us a chance to be friends first. But along the way, we became good friends. I am glad for that. It is crucial that you can count on your spouse to be a good friend. I read once that when we look at our husbands from a wife's point of view, we have ridiculous expectations. However, should we look as a friend, we find ourselves more accommodating.

Peter and I are four years apart, I met him when I was nineteen. Whenever there was a squabble, or should I choose to throw a tantrum, he was very forgiving. One day, I asked him why he indulged my "craziness", when we were dating. He replied that I was still young, and that he was giving me space to grow up. That was so sweet. I am glad he did indulge me, because when autism hit, I was forced to grow up and take life by it's horns.

It is strange that men think that they only need to work hard during the dating years, but women expect them to improve as the years go by. The sweet darling that I dated, changed to be a predictable man with responsibilities, after we got married. I love that he is responsible but didn't really like the predictable part.

Like any middle class Singaporean family, we worked hard in our twenties, thinking that we could gradually relax later in life. Even with our two boys, we thought the same... until the autism. Suddenly, life was harder. Relationships became harder. Now we had to work even harder on our marriage.

I needed Peter to be my friend, to listen to me. He would, sometimes, but he was too close to the problem to make me feel better. I wonder how he dealed with his feelings as he didn't talk much about it. Eventually, I realized that I could not share everything with Peter. Some issues when I brought up to talk about them, had been buried by Peter. And I was making it worse for him by uncovering them, as he had buried them in his mind. We were actually doing a tango, and that was not helping either one of us. I tried talking to family members... but they could barely comprehend the huge effect that it had on us. Instead, they just shrugged it off, saying soon it will be all well. They had to say something, but I would have been so much happier if, they had placed an effort to really try to understand what we were going through.

My next approach was to friends, they were more sympathetic, but also had no clue what we faced. Strangely, I have met a few Singaporean mum in the same boat, but didn't feel comfortable talking to them. I guess they were in denial when I met them. They seemed ashamed and refused to acknowledge the issue. Finally, I caught a break with some other mums, who shared with me just as I shared with them. They were understanding and we shared experiences and contacts of therapists.

Today, I am stronger. I don't really try to talk about the ordeal of autism, unless I have too. I try to live my life as normal as I can. I try to be happy with whatever blessings come my way, no matter how huge or little. I give thanks.

till death to us part... part 3

The Royal wedding was screened on air, just a couple of days ago. Most little girls grow up, dreaming of a fairytale wedding. Kate was blessed to have one, but the marriage is a whole different story.

Like many young brides, I dreamed of my knight in shining armor to whisk me off my feet. I met Peter and was so in love. However, reality set in when I encountered issues with my in-laws. They were not very fond of a bride who had liberal thoughts.

Thinking that it was an initial hiccup, Peter and I endeavored and wedded each other in a very traditional church wedding. Three months later, I found out that I was pregnant with a boy. Immanuel, our first born, was a bright boy. He spoke even before he walked. He never crawled much, instead he ran around most of the time.

Soon Peter and I thought, we were up for another addition into our family. We planned to have our second born, who came in 2000. Ivan was such an adorable little bub. He smiled all the time. He woke up in the morning with a cheerful smile, and dozes off to sleep with a sweet smile too. Life was hard juggling everything together. But we figured it would only get better as the boys grew older.

Then came the year 2002, when all went up in flames. Autism walked into our lives. It brought with it shattered dreams, anger, hatred, pain and so much more.

Peter and I dealed with this intruder, in our on way, at our own time. Sometimes, we hardly talked to each other. Words could not describe our feelings. But one thing we shared in common was pain. Since pain was a feeling we both shared, patience was the antidote we both needed. But we needed the antidote from each other. And that was a little difficult to do.

Around this time, I had forgotten about my traditional wedding day, let alone the promises I had made to my husband. The marriage was not as I had thought. It was a lot of work, even more so now, with autism barging in all the time. We went through many stages, but by the grace of God we are still together walking the journey together.

However, over the years we have grown in many ways. I started to realize that it was just as difficult for Peter as it was for me. He was not mourning the things I mourned, but he didn't have to. We both lost a lot but we both lost different things. He mourned the loss of the ideal child, the times he would spending teaching his son soccer and all the guy things they were going to do together. I mourned, the loss of my freedom. I moured the lifestyle changes I had to make, the friends I lost while I was in isolation. I mourned, the instability and unpredictability of things to come. (since I was such a control freak)

Peter mourned long term stuff, while I mourned the day to day things.  There was no right or wrong... there was just a wide hole of loss. Loss we could never recover, but we could refocus our goals to be happy, and that's what we try to do always.

till death do us part... in sickness and in health

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Do you recall, standing at the altar, saying your vows? This was one of the long line of promises we all made. Health covers all kinds of health areas, physical, emotional and mental health. Many of us, will be there with a bowl if hot soup for our spouses, when they are ill. But how many of us realize that they have other health needs too.

Parents who have a child with special needs will tell you that one way or another they are aware of this. Dealing with either mental and emotional health, can be very exhausting too. And the recovery may take years.(no bowl of good soup is going to help you feel better, may be some wine may help relax you)

However, one good lifestyle habit that I have noticed common amongst parents with children of special needs, is that they never break down together. It seems to be a universal understanding, that the family unit cannot function such. Thus, each spouse takes turn to grieve. Peter and I did that too. We still do it, it actually helps keep the marriage in tact, when the communication line have gone dead.

Normally, the emotionally stronger individual will hold on and allow the other to breakdown first. I lean on Peter, always. But when autism came visiting, Peter was not willing to accommodate. He was very isolated and withdrawn. I waited for a year for Peter to stomach the fact, that our precious little boy had autism. After the long wait, when Peter was active and on board, then I took some time to breakdown. And it was bad. So bad.

till death do us part... part 1

When I discovered that autism was going to ride with us throughout our lives... I could not foresee many things. I knew that many of the aspects of my life was going to change. My lifestyle, my relationships and my whole being.

With so many things, racking up a whirlwind around me. I never realized the toll it would take on my relationships. And amongst the many relationships that too a beating, my marriage took the worst. During my many read-ups, I had read, was that the divorce rates amongst parents of children with special needs are on a high. But I had no idea how, or when it was going to hit us.

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Well, it started with a dose of deprived sleep, (for both of us). As Ivan would sometimes stay up all night, we had to take turns, keeping an eye on him. I normally took the first shift, and Peter took the later half. Sometimes, we would knock out, then quickly startle back into reality. Just to check that Ivan was safe.

Imagine, keeping your son under 24 hours surveillance. Only difference is, there is no CCTV. Instead, it's you.
Image, going to bed every night, hoping that your son would not wake up and hurt himself, while you were asleep.
Cruel... true... but that was my plight. Unless we learn to relax a little (which I have learnt now) you will drain out very quickly.

With sleep being a scarce commodity, you will find yourself on edge most of the times. And sadly, should you need to snap, it's your spouse that gets the explosion. I just needed to get the frustrations out of my system. But I had no one to turn too. So I blow out at my spouse, on a regular basis. He would stomp out not wanting to deal with my rages.

Many atimes, we felt our marriage slipping through our fingers. We both wanted a solution. However, since there was no solution, we seeked out solace in escape. We stopped talking about the autism, although we felt it's presence. Hoping that it would get tired of hanging around and leave us alone. Unfortunately, it's still an unwanted guest in our lives. But we have grown stronger over the years. I truly believe, that what cannot kill us can only make us stronger. Throughout, all the struggles, Peter and I have walked apart... but we were both walking towards the same direction. We both found the fight for Ivan. We both needed one another, but we didn't know how to show it.

After a lot of screaming, crying and hyper-ventilating, I look back now and thank the good Lord for being there with us. I choose to believe that He held us strong, when we gave up. I guess, now that I know better, I could share some tips for the new travelers on the road of autism.

point #1 - Grieve separately
We are all different. I like to talk about my feelings/ write them down. Peter on the other hand, likes to keep it to himself, and zone out with his alone time. So you see, it's impossible to comfort each other like this. But if we licked our wounds, separately, we could compose ourselves and walk together again. You see, when you are hurting, you expect your spouse to comfort you. But your spouse is hurting too. So take a breather, give each other some space. Face the ugly, yourself. Sometimes, you can surprise yourself, to know how strong you really are.

point #2 - Get real
So come on now, don't kid yourselves. Set reasonable and realistic goals. When you visit the professionals, don't expect too much from your kid. Remember, your child is fighting with autism. Be kind to him/her. Encourage your child and yourself, by setting reasonable goals, so that success can enter your lives and hopefully, grow with you.

point #3 -share the yoke
Don't carry the burden by yourself. I did that, trying to shoulder all. I failed. In times like these, you need each other. Rely on your spouse. You promised to stand by each other on your wedding day, remember. So do it.

point #4 -rekindle that flame
When you are in such a situation like this, the last thing on your mind would be a little romance. But try to set aside some time, for just the two of you. Go for a date if you can. Remember, what attached you to your spouse in the first place. That may be what you need to remind you, that you have each other.

The guys would be anticipating some long awaited love making, however, the ladies would be waiting to share their feelings. So based on your individuality, figure a compromise. I was not that fortunate to have date nights, after Ivan was diagnosed. No one understood him, or thought that we needed some time away too. So, we made the best of our situation. The boys were sent to bed by 9pm. And once they were asleep, we have a glass of wine out at our balcony. We had our own time, without any interruptions. The conversations, at an atmosphere like this, will truly change the mood and the tone of your voice too. You may find your spouse to be a little more sympathetic and patient. Your spouse and you may even see eye to eye on certain issues. And make some important decisions eventually.

At the end of the day, there is nothing like a little TLC.